... This is the second rough cut put together Changes made:
Sound
the music has been changed to give it more variation, the last recording was a bit repetitive (the update post is here)
ambient sound of cars going past, dogs barking, and hospital background noise has been added for verisimilitude
the nurse's voice has been recorded over for better sound quality
the music playing in the car has now been fixed so it doesn't overlap with the jogging scene and make the continuity confusing
audio-bridges are also being used now
Editing
Now the training scene is cross-cut with the packing scene, this speeds up the pace, which was too slow before
Titles
the titles have been completely changed, both in wording, order, position, transition effect, size, capitalisation, names, and wen they appear on screen
this is to make it more resemble the genre conventions we noted in other examples, particularly Withnail and I and Journeyman
This is the first full rough cut of our film opening The Journey, with credits and idents. Originally we wanted to have the jogging cross-cut throughout, but when we tried it made it extremely hard to follow what was happening, as it looked like Tanay was out jogging, and then was also playing tennis at the same time, so we removed the jogging we had cross-cut throughout the opening.
... Feedback Upload the version with the cross-cutting that made it difficult to follow Get audience feedback Idents:
Maw Productions - too short, add toyCo ident
Red Films - sound needs fixing (hiss) add music
Journey Films - cannot read the paper, looks too much like it's part of the film, the paper doesn't work. better lighting, things going into suitcase, when bag is dropped and spilt open, picked up, on ground says Journey Films
fade to black, fade up from black - more conventional for social realist
Font - too simple, make company name in upper case, make names bigger than the rest
could use sans serif for non-names
add film title
more cast names (with, introducing, featuring)
Harriet B. - stands out, no reason why it is written like that
make post with all titles, font, case, size, reasoning
Sound:
There is no sound in the first scene, no diegetic, Foley or ambient - unnatural. Sound of footsteps and packing - get sound of cars going past, a dog barking. Add to verisimilitude
sound of Cathy sighing needs to be louder
jogging - exaggerate breathing and footsteps
don't include music unless you have a shot of switching it on - music when he is jogging must be lower
camera wind sound - have to rebuild audio
all sound has to be louder
music does not work at all
audio is not synced up
Editing:
need to trim wiping face shot of tear, because otherwise it looks like she's just wiping her face
packing scene drags on
training scene does not need to be linear chronologically - put in shots of him hitting the ball. Acting is not super convincing so this will help with maintaining verisimilitude
use shot of convo from other side
transition to jogging is very episodic, not smooth - fade needs to be quicker (maybe try a cross-fade, audio-bridge (start next scene audio before end of scene)
Start jogging scene with extreme long shot
PACING - needs to be quicker, shorter takes or cut some out
keep bits of guy in car shorter - threat of danger, foreshadowing - even hybridity style (verging on horror e.g. Dead Man's Shoes), make film more widely appealing
speed up car (maybe add gear clunk sound) - add engine sound
shot is very bright, keep shots of driver short
shaking camera - cut off end of ELS jogging
can see jogger from inside the car
speed up car
could make 2 stopping events - show determination. taking breath is too long
can cross cut between accident and hospital (flashing back to trauma)
ENDING - too abrupt, maybe hands bring gripped, or his eyes shutting again
